Category: Grace

grace and love

November 19, 2009
GraceJesusWorship
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I ran across this poem by Kathleen Wheeler called “A New Leaf” which really ministered and spoke to my heart about the Father’s love and grace towards his children.

He came to my desk with quivering lip –
The lesson was done.
“Dear Teacher, I want a new leaf,” he said,
“I have spoiled this one.”
I took the old leaf, stained and blotted,
And gave him a new one all unspotted,
And into his sad eyes smiled,
Do better, now, my child.”

I went to the throne with a quivering soul –
The old year was done.
“Dear Father, hast Thou a new leaf for me?
I have spoiled this one.”
He took the old leaf, stained and blotted,
And gave me a new one all unspotted
And into my sad heart smiled,
“Do better, now, my child.”

I needed this reminder: that no matter what I’ve done I can go to our Father in Heaven and ask for a fresh start, a new beginning. Every day if need be and He will redeem the time. I know it sounds so unbelievable, but that’s grace – undeserved favor. Whenever I encounter God’s love and grace it always moves me to worship because I am floored that the God of the universe desires to be with me. Even now as I sit and write this, I am so grateful for such a loving and merciful God and a Savior who died so that all of this could happen. Thank you Jesus.

 jesus-draw-me-nearer-lyrics

Do you need a new leaf? Get a fresh start in life from God by inviting Jesus into your heart and surrendering the control of your life to God. If you already know Jesus than ask the Father to redeem the time.

something’s gotta give…

November 10, 2009
Body of ChristGraceRevelation
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This past month has been quite a whirlwind, so to speak. As I have been praying and discerning the will of God for my life, God has in His mercy brought some real clarity to my pursuit. If you haven’t been walking with me through this, let me sum up my journey so far. Currently I have been wrestling with the question: Am I to be a pastor or a counselor or both? In the beginning I figured I’d be both by being bivocational. But, what I have been learning is that there are difficulties in managing dual relationships with people. That’s not to say that being both a pastor and a counselor is impossible. It just means that I would need to be intentionally aware of which “hat” (pastor or counselor) I am wearing in my vocational relationships.

But, the more that I’ve been learning about the counseling profession, the more I’ve been challenged in thinking through the place of counseling in God’s calling on my life. I have this tremendous passion to work with the addiction population. But, I also have this tremendous passion to edify and building up the Body of Christ. So, the question that has come up in my deliberations in weighing these two passions is: Does one of these passions take precedent over the other? The simple answer to this is “yes.” God has called me to be a pastor first and foremost and though I do feel like God has also called me to work with the addiction population – the timing and urgency on this calling is secondary to the pastoral calling. Right now I need to be faithful to the pastoral call.

In walking this revelation out, I have decided to begin pursuing a pastoral position at a church and put my pursuit of a counseling degree on the back burners. I’ve also decided to change my degree from a Master in Mental Health Counseling to a Master in Counseling Ministries. God has called me to care for His people and though I do see myself ministering to people of the world, my main concern must be for the Body of Christ. This has been freeing because, quite honestly, I see myself more of as a spiritual director, than a counselor, which definitely fits better under the pastoral calling. Again, though I have this passion and calling to work with the addiction population (and I definitely see myself always working with people struggling with addiction issues), this calling needs to come under and submit to the pastoral call.

I am so grateful for God’s grace in all of this and the reality that He will never ask me to pursue something alone, but that His grace is always available to me. Even more than that, God has really impressed on me that because of Jesus I can count on His grace and that I need to always, always, always factor His grace into everything I do and into every decision I make.

reignition

October 17, 2009
Body of ChristGrace
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Life has been moving at a pretty fast pace this past month. I feel like there’s always something I could be doing for home, school or ministry. I’ve been especially challenged this past month to keep my Monday sabbath. To be honest, my sabbath days have not been all that spiritual, nor all that restful. Sure, I’ve spend some time in prayer and solitude with God, but it’s been a far cry from what it has been. I understand that I needn’t be so rigid in my sabbath keeping because the sabbath was made for my benefit and not the other way around (Mark 2:27). But, what I’ve noticed is that the receding spirituality on my sabbath has effected in many ways (however subtly) the rest of my week. The tide has been slowly going out . Not so much in the sense of my faith waning, more so in the sense of my passion to be discipled by the Lord. This may be because I am also  in transition right now. 

First, I am transitioning from finishing a Master’s of Divinity degree into beginning a Master’s in Mental Health Counseling degree. I have also been seriously contemplating doing a concurrent Substance Abuse Counseling degree as well. Secondly, I have stepped down from ministry leadership at my church, not for any disciplinary or disqualification reasons, but because I’ve been feeling prompted by the Holy Spirit that my time at this particular church is coming to a close. Let me explain, over the past few years, Jesus has been using me in a very interim pastoral fashion (both at my current church and the one before this one). This fits well with the grace Christ has apportioned to me (Eph 4:7) through the gifts of wisdom, discernment, mercy, faith and healing (Rom 12:6-8; 1 Cor 12:1-14) which are a good combination with the calling He has placed on my life to be His shepherding prophet (Eph 4:11). As one can imagine, Spirit-filled preaching, group discipleship, one-on-one mentoring/coaching and prophetic prayer are huge component in the way that Jesus uses me to bring spiritual formation both individually and corporately to His Body, the Church.

Now, I’ve been slowing piecing this together over this past year (it has been an ongoing process). God is definitely on the move, but I feel like I really need to be pressing into and be seeking after the Father’s heart towards me as He continues to reveal in more detail the work He has prepared in advance for me to do (Eph 2:10). I need to approach the coming season wisely and discerningly, but also humbly with an open and expectant heart. As this relates to my sabbath – sure I have a lot going on right now in planning for the future, but I need to remember that my future is in Christ and the work set before me is the Father’s will for my life. It’s not about me formulating some strategy and coming up with a smart and clever plan, but about me listening to the Holy Spirit’s voice in my life and following His promptings and leadings because He will guide me to where I need to be in order to be better equipped for ministry. He will also lead me to where God wants me to be so that I can partner  in the work Jesus is doing in the world while He takes me deeper into the Father’s heart. Lord, reignite the passions of my heart to pursue You with an open heart and willing spirit. In Jesus, Your name, Amen.

Making room for Jesus

September 4, 2009
Body of ChristGraceLove
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In his book, “The Wounded Healer,” Henri Nouwen has encouraged me to claim my own loneliness as a source for human understanding (85) where “a deep understanding of [my] own pain makes it possible for [me] to convert [my] weakness into strength and to offer [my] own experience as a source of healing to those who are often lost in the darkness of their own misunderstood suffering” (87). The Lord has definitely been drawing me into a season of surrender and invitation. On the one hand, He has been leading me to surrender to His purposes for my life while, on the other hand, He has been encouraging me to invite more of His healing and loving presence into my heart and life: to really press into His amazing grace and unconditional love that He extends to all people.

But, oftentimes, I allow my insecurities, fears and loneliness steer the decisions for my life, rather than the Spirit of God. So, instead of allowing God to lead and guide me through life, I am lead by this internal editor, this control freak, who would rather steer me into hiding or a ditch, than surrender control to God. But, here’s the Good News, our inner control freak has been crucified with Christ. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me…” When I took the time to meditate on this verse and really let this reality sink into my heart, it has been freeing. Because I have been crucified with Christ, this means so has my inner control freak. This means I no longer have to let him (meaning the sum of my insecurities, fears and loneliness) run my life. The more I’ve meditated on this verse, the more I am convinced that Jesus is passionate about living His life in and through us by setting us free into the Father’s will for our lives.

Over the past few weeks I’ve had the opportunity to be part of AXIS (the 20something ministry at Willow Creek Community Church) where I’ve had the opportunity to meet some pretty amazing people who are completely sold out for Jesus and passionate about living a gospel lifestyle. It just so happened that they decided to do a video blog series on singleness (this links to the first video in the series). Imagine that. All of video spoke to me in different ways. It definitely was good timing. But, the one thing that I really took away from this series was the need to be part of a community where a person can be fully known and fully loved: a place where I can share the messiness of my life and not be judged, but loved. Doesn’t your heart yearn for a community like this? I know mine does.

But, in order to become part of a community like this, I need to make room in my heart and life for these relationships to enter in (surrender and invitation). Again, I am drawn back to Galatians 2:20. Because Jesus is passionate about living His life in and through us, I believe this means we need to consciously making room for Him in our relationships (because where else do we treasure people, but in our hearts). The more I make room for Jesus to live His life in and through me, the more He will draw me into deeper relationship with the Father and the more He will draw me into a community where I can be fully known and fully loved.

Undivided Focus

July 28, 2009
GraceJesussurrender
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Over the last few weeks as I have been journeying deeper into the Father’s heart. I’ve come to realize that I really enjoy the freedom to pursue God whenever and wherever I choose. I’ve been able to give this pursuit to experience the depths of the Father’s love my undivided focus. Now, if I had a wife and kids I probably wouldn’t have been able to devote so much time to this quest because as Paul discerningly explains: my family and the responsibility of leading and caring for them would take up a good portion of my time (1 Corinthians 7:32ff). Spending time with other people’s families has reminded me of this reality. So, long story short, I am learning to embrace the blessing of singleness. Does this mean that God has blessed me with singleness? Maybe.

To be honest, I’ve been avoiding this question for at least the last three years because I was afraid of the answer. On the one hand, I’ve burned with passion and on the other hand, I’ve feared being alone. But as my relationship with God has deepened and matured many of my youthful passions have exhausted themselves and I’ve become more comfortable with being alone because I’ve become more confident in my identity in Christ. Sure, there is still a loneliness in my heart, but over the years the Lord has become more and more my portion which has quelled this loneliness. I have come to cherish and even be satisfied with our time together by allowing His love to be enough for me.  

On deeper reflection, I really do spend most of my day being actively in love with Jesus. Rarely, is there a moment in the day that I don’t feel the Holy Spirit’s presence. From the time I wake up, He is on my heart. In the shower, He is in my thoughts. Whenever I eat, I am thankful for His faithful provisions in my life. When I exercise, He is there cheering and pushing me forward. Anytime I am outside, I stand amazed at the intricacies of creation and again He is in my thoughts. Work plays a big part in my worship to God because He builds Christlike character in me through it while giving me the opportunity to be salt and light to people. And, it is when I am around people that His presence is so very near to me because I feel His deep love for those with whom I am in relationship with. Then, at the end of the day, He is there again helping me take off the day’s burdens so that I may rest in Him.

Jesus has slowly become my all and all. My whole life now revolves around Him and to be honest: I’m not sure I want that to change. Does this mean that God has blessed me with singleness? I’m afraid to say yes, but the more I reflect on this the more I see that He has. So, maybe it’s time I accepted and pressed into this, instead of running from it. Even as I type this, I get this sense that I am surrendering into gain and not loss (though it feels like loss right now). If you’re reading this pray for me: pray that I would grieve well and that I would embrace the joy of surrender in the coming weeks. Peace to you and yours.

Child of God

July 1, 2009
GospelGraceJesusLove
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I am going to take a slight detour from the current direction of this blog (I will revisit it at a later date) because I feel like I need to set aside the systematic approach to Scripture and spend the next season just enjoying being a child of God. To spend time basking in the the unconditional love of the Father. It’s funny, I’ve always identified myself with the wayward younger son who runs away in the parable of the “Prodigal Son” (Luke 15). But, after finishing seminary and being involved in ministry these past years, I’ve now in many ways assumed the role of the dutiful older son. I am sadden to have to confess this, but I’ve slowly begun to make God’s love conditional. To put it plainly, I’ve begun to love people for what they do and not for who they are. In my heart I’ve begun to love people only when they are obedient to God. Forgive me Lord.

Maybe it’s because I’ve spent the last four years rigorously studying the Word of God. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent the last four years laboring tirelessly for the Church. It’s probably a combination of both, but regardless, this hardness of heart that wants to tame and restrain the wild, unrelenting, overgenerous, foolishly extravangant, unconditional love that God lavishes on sinners and saints alike is unacceptable and sinful. I trust God is definitely not done with me and I have faith that this is part of my sanctification. So, I am going to spend the next couple months soaking in God’s unconditional love as His beloved child. I’m not going to get overly technical in my blogging and I’m going to scale down on my service to the Body of Christ (the work will get done with or without me). I am grateful that God has mercifully intervened when He has and that His grace is always extended to me, even when I am unawares. A Scripture passage that comforts me is Isaiah 49:15: “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!”

  captivated-lyrics

Thank you Lord. This song is my prayer. Captivate me Lord Jesus. Captivate me.

Into Completion…

May 26, 2009
GraceRedemption
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I was riding in my sister-in-law’s car (in Texas) the other day and saw a bird catch a junebug in midair. Junebugs are pretty large, so it was really easy to see all the action go down (even though it was literally like a few seconds). I saw a junebug flying just to the right of the car when all of a sudden this bird comes swooping in like a missle. But, right at the last moment the bird pulls up and flutters in midair in order to nimbly pluck the junebug out of the air. I was really quite amazed at the deftness of the bird. It looked like the whole moment was choreographed. I even thought to myself, “Wow, that was amazing. I can’t believe I just got to see that happen.” Right in that moment, the Holy Spirit put this thought in my mind – “You are getting a glimpse into how God delights in His creation.”

On further reflection, I realized that the bird was doing exactly what it was created to do and that God delights in watching His creation act and be how He created them to act and be. Of course, I immediately related that to myself and began asking myself: “How closely am I acting and being how God created me to act and be?”

At first, I was like, now do I really want to go down this road because let’s face it, I’m complicated. Doesn’t God’s Word say that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). But, then again, I’m not sure the psalmist means that we are complicated in the sense that I am using the word. I’m complicated because my brokenness makes me hide, deny and lie. Though I’d like to think that I’m low maintenance, I imagine from God’s perspective, I am definitely high maintenance. But, I must never forget that because I am in Christ, God sees me and loves me as His child (1 John 3:1). He’s even given me the Holy Spirit to remind me of this (Romans 8:16). God is love (1 John 4:8,16) and He is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13:4) with me. But He also disciplines me as any Father would their child (Hebrews 12:7-11).

But, back to the question at hand, “How closely do I act and be how God created me to act and be?” I really don’t think that this is a question that has a simple answer (but here goes). Initially, because of sin, I’d have to say no, not by a long shot. But, because of God’s grace and the redemptive work that He has begun in me in Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit, I’d have to say, “getting closer, day by day.” Philippians 1:6 says that God will finish the good work He’s begun in us (which includes me): His work of restoration, so that we will act and be more like He originally created us to act and be.  And that He will carry us into completion: This completion Paul is talking about is that one day I (we) will be just like Jesus (1 John 3:2), who is an example of humanity without sin (Hebrews 4:15).

So, instead of letting my fallen propensity for perfectionism lead me to micromanaging my sanctification (I’m pretty sure that’s not Paul means when he says to “work out your salvation with fear and trembling” Philippians 2:12). I am learning to embrace more of God’s grace everyday by doing what little I can each day in surrendering my will to God. I am learning that restoration is a lifelong process and that I need to have a realistic and sober-minded view in this as God is continually purifying my heart of sinful patterns. But, I also need to be doing all I can in guarding my heart (Proverbs 4:23). So, how am I acting and being as God originally created me to act and be? Because of Jesus – closer and closer everyday!

Grace in process

May 21, 2009
GospelGrace
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When will my behavior catch up to my status in Christ? I am constantly feeling like I’ve missed the bus for school,  the school of eternal life where the Holy Spirit reminds me of all of Jesus’ teachings (John 14:26), because I’ve overslept. I long for my life to be a sweet aroma to God, that He would be pleased with my sacrifice of praise (Hebrews 13:15). I long for the actions of life to be pleasing to God. But, then I’ll get sidetracked with selfish pursuits or lax into complacency. More and more, Paul’s words describe my life: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” (Romans 7:15). My desire is that the actions of my life, my behavior, would reflect the reality of my blameless status in Christ. Is that asking too much?

I know that I need to give myself grace because I am still in process. But, my present reality frustrates me. My pride that refuses to accept where the Lord has me in the process of my sanctification has an even harder time accepting God’s grace. My pride wants to work out its own plan of blamelessness, rather than stand upon Christ’s work of redemption. But, then I read verses like: “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight” (Ephesians 1:4); “He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Corinthians 1:8); and I am reminded that it’s not all up to me, that God is with me through it all and that He will carry me through into completion (Philippians 1:6). I often feel like my behavior has a long way to go before it matches my status of blamelessness. But, then again maybe that’s the best place to be because it humbles me to seek more of God’s grace. Soli Deo Gloria.

The truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth

May 18, 2009
GospelGrace
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Lately, I’ve been asking myself this question: “What is it that I live for?” This has challenged me to really think through my currently lifestyle without any filters or rationalizations: to be just plain honest with myself. This is definitely easier said than done because of my desire to “halo effect” my life. Halo effecting likes to bend reality a bit in order to make ourselves feel better about ourselves by stretching and exaggerating our better traits and actions. Halo effecting makes broad sweeping evaluations of people based on their more positive traits and then builds on these traits by superimposing them onto other areas of a person’s life and character which may or may not deserve the accolade. The way that I see it, halo effecting is directly connected to our shame. Shame seems to always want to paint ourselves in a better light than what is actually true.

In many ways, hiding is a component of halo effecting. It makes us hide from God, others, even ourselves. We see this from the very beginning with Adam and Eve. Their shame made them hide (Genesis 3:7, 10). I don’t know about you, but I am an expert at hiding. When I ignore my limitations and failings, I am hiding. I’d much rather focus on my strengths, rather than my weaknesses (who doesn’t). If it were up to me, I’d ignore my weaknesses all together by pretending that I didn’t have any in the first place. We’d all much rather project to the world that we have it all together. But again, is this reality? Or does this create a kind of alternate reality, even a non-reality where I live more artificial than authentic? Living this way hinders us from being present with the Lord and also works against the transformation that God wants to bring to our lives.

Halo effecting blinds us to the reality that maybe we aren’t as great as we think we are or like others to believe we are. Now don’t misunderstand me here, I’m not saying that we should have a negative, defeatist or fatalistic view of ourselves. What I am saying is that we need to have a realistic view of ourselves. To soberly see ourselves both in the light of our fallenness and in the light of God’s redemptive grace. But, when we begin to ignore that we are limited, we also ignore the reality that we are in need God’s redemptive grace which only perpetuates a distorted view of ourselves. Because of our fallenness, we all have this innate proclivity to want to project a better image of ourselves to others, to ourselves, even God. Whenever I feel the desire to halo effect my life, I remind myself that God loves me unconditionally (John 3:16; Romans 5:8), that He is my strong tower (Prov 18:10), that He is my fortress of faith (Ps 18:2) and that He is my divine warrior (Rev 19:11-16). Truly, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).

What is it that you live for?

Here’s a quote from John Bunyun: “If my life is fruitless, it doesn’t matter who praises me, and if my life is fruitful, it doesn’t matter who criticizes me.” Reading this quote has helped to bring some clarity to my musings about my life. It has helped me to realize that a fruitful life will speak for itself (as will a fruitless life). It has also inspired me to simply seek what Jesus says is worth committing my life to and to just seek being faithful to God and leaving all the results up to Him.

Living the Dream of Amazing Grace

May 14, 2009
GraceHope
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I will be attending my last official class of seminary tomorrow. It has been a long arduous four years, but I will have finished all the coursework for the Master’s of Divinity degree at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. I truly am amazed at where God has taken me. Twenty years ago (1989), I was just beginning my journey into the drug lifestyle. Fifteen years ago (1994), I was hopelessly addicted to cocaine and soon to be heroin, ecstasy and speed. Ten years ago (1999), on the verge of despair, God entered my life. A year later Jesus becomes my Savior and Lord and I am filled with the Holy Spirit. Five years ago (2004), I finally become comfortable in the Body of Christ. A year later I enter seminary and here I am today, writing a blog on a website dedicated to praying for those struggling with drug addiction. In many ways you could say that I have come full circle.

Whenever life begins to overwhelm me, it helps for me to think back about just where God plucked me from. How His Spirit came into the deep darkness that was my life and brought me into His loving light. Whenever my pride rises up trying to claim glory for itself, it helps for me to remind myself that the target age that I was living for was 30, if I made to 30, life accomplished. It truly is only because of Jesus that I am alive today. Whenever I reach a place of discouragement where thinking back on God’s faithfulness in my own life isn’t enough to break me out of my funk, a scene from Jesus’ life serendipitously flickers through my mind.

It’s just after Jesus teaches the masses that He is the Bread of Life (John 6). Many of those who hear Him have a really hard time grasping what Jesus is saying and what happens is that many people begin to complain that the teaching is just too hard to understand and start leaving. So, Jesus turns to the twelve disciples and asks them if they want to go as well. But, Simon Peter tells him: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God” (vv.68, 69). Peter’s words give me great comfort because they remind me that no matter how hard life may get or how difficult this journey of faith may be or how painful surrender becomes. If I really think about it, where else am I to go? Back into the world? No, been there and done that – the world holds nothing for me. Jesus has the very words of eternal life: His words have the power to bring me into eternity and eternity into me. “There is no other place for me, but at the feet of Jesus.”

Now, if you asked me anytime in my life if, I ever thought I’d be here right now in this moment, saying those words. I’d have to say “No.” Never in my wildest dreams (and I have had some doozies) would I have ever dreamt of this very moment, which makes it all the more incredible that: I am truly living this dream of amazing grace. My life is a living testimony to the grace and mercy of God and because of this, embodies the Gospel. As Paul stated about his own life, so I: “But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me—and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace” (1 Corinthians 15:10 NLT). Go God!