I am feeling pretty weak and worn out these days. Whenever I have some free time all I want to do is put on some worship music and rest in the Lord. Sometimes that means crawling into bed and sleeping. Other times that means lying on the floor and allowing the longing in my heart to be near Jesus overwhelm me. This has been hard because God has been testing my heart these past few weeks in my understanding of His grace. What this has revealed is that though I understand theologically and intellectually that I have been saved by grace that: 1) Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross for sin has fully satisfied God wrath; that 2) because I have be crucified and raised with Jesus – I have been reconciled back to God; and that 3) I now live in God’s grace and forgiveness, always, as His beloved child in the family of God.

But, the way that I practically live this out tells a differing story. Case and point, I am reconciled back to God because of Jesus and not because of what I may do in my day to day (sinful or not). But, there are times where I will put more weight on my sinful behavior, instead of Jesus’ atoning and reconciling work. Now, I know that sin separates us from God, but if I truly believe that Jesus’ death on the cross paid my debt for sin now and forever – because I am in Christ that means I live in God’s grace and forgiveness, always. Let me say that again, because I am in Christ that means I live in God’s grace and forgiveness, always. So, if and when I sin today, tomorrow, next week or year, the blood of Jesus covers my sins for all eternity. Now, I  understand that this doesn’t give a believer a license to sin. As Paul says: “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? ” (Romans 6:1, 2). And I get this, the grace of God is not to be abused and Jesus’ sacrifice cheapened. Trust me, I hate it when I sin and I do confess sin to God and others because when I confess sin: I acknowledge my need for more of God’s grace and love in my life. But I need to understand that because I am in Christ I have been forgiven – once for all.

Now, while God has been testing my heart in understanding His grace, He has also been challenging me on my unconditional love for Him. The more that I walk in His grace, the greater freedom I have to do whatever I want. Now if I truly get forgiveness in Christ, this means that my actions do not effect my standing before God. Jesus’ sacrifice took care of that. So, when I sin this does not bring God closer to me or further away because I am reconciled to God through Jesus. But, this doesn’t take away the consequences of my sinful behavior which may hinder my ability to hear and recognize God’s Voice in my life. Sin runs interference in our sensitivity to the Holy Spirit’s leading. We can either do things that help tune us into our Shepherd’s voice or we can fill our lives up with things that dampen His Voice. That’s where I’m at right now, but God has amplified the intensity of this struggle to show me His great desire for my unconditional love.

In the freedom of God’s grace, I can choose to either please God or please myself. This struggle has revealed the level of my unconditional love for God. On a deeper lever, this struggle has stirred me to ask myself: “Do I please God out of fear, profit or love?” Struggle is good because it inspires to both create and strengthen faith. I must always remember that God will never ask anything of me that does not include His grace. He will also not ask anything of me without His love and support: He will never ask me to do anything alone. I believe that God put me on this path, not to discourage me, but to encourage me and show me just how far He has taken me from the days of being hopelessly and lustfully addicted to drugs to where He has me today – longing to rest in His Presence. I am so grateful that God is not done with me yet, but that He will carry me into completion. And when I finally get to see Jesus face to face – I will be like Him (1 John 3:2). I can’t wait.