Freedom Blog

So, I’ve been steadily keeping a Sabbath on Mondays for roughly a year now. I call it my “draw near to God” day. But, things have shifted in this past month and my “draw near to God” day has begun to decline and my Sabbath has been derailed from it’s steady course. I recently went to a conference where Heidi Baker was speaking, ever since then the integrity of my spiritual life has been challenged. What Mama Heidi spoke about was ministering in the strength of God and how “fruitfulness comes from intimacy with God.” I thought I had all of that and then some. But, as God has been challenging me on understanding His grace and my unconditional love for Him, this has revealed the deeper motives of my heart and the works righteousness that resides within. Let me expand on this.

What God has been revealing to me these past few weeks is that though I do walk in much of His grace, He has so much more for me that I refuse to accept because I want to show Him that I can do it. But, that’s my pride talking. I feel like I’ve been acting like that little child, who is constantly saying, “Me do! Me do!” Where God is saying to me, “Let me show you, let’s do it together.” Needless to say, these past few weeks have been really tough because I’ve come face to face with my arrogance which is really disheartening. Here I thought that I was being obedient, but maybe dutiful is a better word to describe my actions. So, on deeper inspection, this has sparked me to reflect on: What does it mean to draw near to God?

James 4: 6-10 says, “…⁶But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: ”God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” ⁷Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up” (NIV). As I have been meditating and studying this passage, I’ve come to the conclusion that this passage is about repentance. So, in my wrestling, I’ve asked myself this question: What does living a repentant lifestyle look like?

I believe that the “Come near to God” that James is talking about here is about humbling ourselves before God and receiving His grace by submitting to His will and resisting the devil’s temptations. This means coming near to God by repenting for our sinful leanings (“washing your hands, you sinners” which alludes to external actions, and “purifying your hearts, you double-minded” which alludes to internal motivations) and in this way God comes near to us. For clarification, this is not in terms of our salvation (which comes through Jesus alone), but in terms of our relational fellowship with God. The more consistently we live repentantly before God, the louder and clearer we will hear His Voice in our lives. But, this also means embracing more and more of His grace. So, whatever it takes. James is insistent about the seriousness of sin and we should be too. Sin brings disaster and devastation to our relationship with God. When’s the last time you grieved, mourned or wailed sin?  

Douglas Moo (2000) insightful explains, “Christian joy can never be ours if we ignore or tolerate sin; it comes only when we have squarely faced the reality of our sin, brought it before the Lord in repentance and humility, and experienced the cleansing work of the Spirit” (James, p. 196). One of the joys of my new life in Jesus has been the many opportunities He gives me to pray for and with people. You could say this is part of my repentant lifestyle. For me, there is nothing more satisfying and fulfilling. Not only do I get to touch the Father’s heart through prayer, but the whole reason I pray for others is so that they can experience a greater sense of God’s unconditional love and be brought ever deeper into the Father’s heart.

So this is my prayer for you and me: “May we truly walk in the fullness of God’s grace for our lives and experience the immeasurableness of His unconditional love where we walk empowered to live a repentant lifestyle by actively greiving, mourning and wailing sin, so that we can feel, all the more, the sweetness of God’s grace towards us in Jesus as we humbly wait for Him to lift us up. In Jesus’ Name we pray, Amen.”  

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I am feeling pretty weak and worn out these days. Whenever I have some free time all I want to do is put on some worship music and rest in the Lord. Sometimes that means crawling into bed and sleeping. Other times that means lying on the floor and allowing the longing in my heart to be near Jesus overwhelm me. This has been hard because God has been testing my heart these past few weeks in my understanding of His grace. What this has revealed is that though I understand theologically and intellectually that I have been saved by grace that: 1) Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross for sin has fully satisfied God wrath; that 2) because I have be crucified and raised with Jesus – I have been reconciled back to God; and that 3) I now live in God’s grace and forgiveness, always, as His beloved child in the family of God.

But, the way that I practically live this out tells a differing story. Case and point, I am reconciled back to God because of Jesus and not because of what I may do in my day to day (sinful or not). But, there are times where I will put more weight on my sinful behavior, instead of Jesus’ atoning and reconciling work. Now, I know that sin separates us from God, but if I truly believe that Jesus’ death on the cross paid my debt for sin now and forever – because I am in Christ that means I live in God’s grace and forgiveness, always. Let me say that again, because I am in Christ that means I live in God’s grace and forgiveness, always. So, if and when I sin today, tomorrow, next week or year, the blood of Jesus covers my sins for all eternity. Now, I  understand that this doesn’t give a believer a license to sin. As Paul says: “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? ” (Romans 6:1, 2). And I get this, the grace of God is not to be abused and Jesus’ sacrifice cheapened. Trust me, I hate it when I sin and I do confess sin to God and others because when I confess sin: I acknowledge my need for more of God’s grace and love in my life. But I need to understand that because I am in Christ I have been forgiven – once for all.

Now, while God has been testing my heart in understanding His grace, He has also been challenging me on my unconditional love for Him. The more that I walk in His grace, the greater freedom I have to do whatever I want. Now if I truly get forgiveness in Christ, this means that my actions do not effect my standing before God. Jesus’ sacrifice took care of that. So, when I sin this does not bring God closer to me or further away because I am reconciled to God through Jesus. But, this doesn’t take away the consequences of my sinful behavior which may hinder my ability to hear and recognize God’s Voice in my life. Sin runs interference in our sensitivity to the Holy Spirit’s leading. We can either do things that help tune us into our Shepherd’s voice or we can fill our lives up with things that dampen His Voice. That’s where I’m at right now, but God has amplified the intensity of this struggle to show me His great desire for my unconditional love.

In the freedom of God’s grace, I can choose to either please God or please myself. This struggle has revealed the level of my unconditional love for God. On a deeper lever, this struggle has stirred me to ask myself: “Do I please God out of fear, profit or love?” Struggle is good because it inspires to both create and strengthen faith. I must always remember that God will never ask anything of me that does not include His grace. He will also not ask anything of me without His love and support: He will never ask me to do anything alone. I believe that God put me on this path, not to discourage me, but to encourage me and show me just how far He has taken me from the days of being hopelessly and lustfully addicted to drugs to where He has me today – longing to rest in His Presence. I am so grateful that God is not done with me yet, but that He will carry me into completion. And when I finally get to see Jesus face to face – I will be like Him (1 John 3:2). I can’t wait.

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I ran across this poem by Kathleen Wheeler called “A New Leaf” which really ministered and spoke to my heart about the Father’s love and grace towards his children.

He came to my desk with quivering lip –
The lesson was done.
“Dear Teacher, I want a new leaf,” he said,
“I have spoiled this one.”
I took the old leaf, stained and blotted,
And gave him a new one all unspotted,
And into his sad eyes smiled,
Do better, now, my child.”

I went to the throne with a quivering soul –
The old year was done.
“Dear Father, hast Thou a new leaf for me?
I have spoiled this one.”
He took the old leaf, stained and blotted,
And gave me a new one all unspotted
And into my sad heart smiled,
“Do better, now, my child.”

I needed this reminder: that no matter what I’ve done I can go to our Father in Heaven and ask for a fresh start, a new beginning. Every day if need be and He will redeem the time. I know it sounds so unbelievable, but that’s grace – undeserved favor. Whenever I encounter God’s love and grace it always moves me to worship because I am floored that the God of the universe desires to be with me. Even now as I sit and write this, I am so grateful for such a loving and merciful God and a Savior who died so that all of this could happen. Thank you Jesus.

Do you need a new leaf? Get a fresh start in life from God by inviting Jesus into your heart and surrendering the control of your life to God. If you already know Jesus than ask the Father to redeem the time.

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This past month has been quite a whirlwind, so to speak. As I have been praying and discerning the will of God for my life, God has in His mercy brought some real clarity to my pursuit. If you haven’t been walking with me through this, let me sum up my journey so far. Currently I have been wrestling with the question: Am I to be a pastor or a counselor or both? In the beginning I figured I’d be both by being bivocational. But, what I have been learning is that there are difficulties in managing dual relationships with people. That’s not to say that being both a pastor and a counselor is impossible. It just means that I would need to be intentionally aware of which ”hat” (pastor or counselor) I am wearing in my vocational relationships.

But, the more that I’ve been learning about the counseling profession, the more I’ve been challenged in thinking through the place of counseling in God’s calling on my life. I have this tremendous passion to work with the addiction population. But, I also have this tremendous passion to edify and building up the Body of Christ. So, the question that has come up in my deliberations in weighing these two passions is: Does one of these passions take precedent over the other? The simple answer to this is “yes.” God has called me to be a pastor first and foremost and though I do feel like God has also called me to work with the addiction population – the timing and urgency on this calling is secondary to the pastoral calling. Right now I need to be faithful to the pastoral call.

In walking this revelation out, I have decided to begin pursuing a pastoral position at a church and put my pursuit of a counseling degree on the back burners. I’ve also decided to change my degree from a Master in Mental Health Counseling to a Master in Counseling Ministries. God has called me to care for His people and though I do see myself ministering to people of the world, my main concern must be for the Body of Christ. This has been freeing because, quite honestly, I see myself more of as a spiritual director, than a counselor, which definitely fits better under the pastoral calling. Again, though I have this passion and calling to work with the addiction population (and I definitely see myself always working with people struggling with addiction issues), this calling needs to come under and submit to the pastoral call.

I am so grateful for God’s grace in all of this and the reality that He will never ask me to pursue something alone, but that His grace is always available to me. Even more than that, God has really impressed on me that because of Jesus I can count on His grace and that I need to always, always, always factor His grace into everything I do and into every decision I make.

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